I was a babysitter's worst nightmare, a hellion of unfathomable measure. Even after I was old enough to not require one, I would make it difficult for my younger sisters' babysitters. Those of you that know me well will surely laugh and say, "J., a pain in the ass? A tormentor? Mischievous? Smartass? I don't know what you are talking about." I appreciate that and will call on you for endorsement should I ever run for public office.
I cannot recall every horrible deed I did to every one-time babysitter, but some of those foolish enough to watch me numerous times stick out. Namely, one of the neighborhood girls let us call her "TS". I made her life HELL, yet she kept coming back for more. Two particular incidents come to mind.
Lesson 1: Never trust a kid when he says, "put your hands out and close your eyes". The kid is either going to put something revolting in them, or like me, he is going to cuff you. These were not the cheap plastic handcuffs, but the metal ones...AND...I did not have the key. A cop from down the street had to come down and figure out how to get her out. Sweet victory for the smart kid. What is better than handcuffing your babysitter? I will tell you what is...
Lesson 2: Never offer to show a kid your tits; it breeds trouble and embarrassment in front of other kids. One night, TS busted me pilfering through my mother's old red book magazines, looking for boob shots. She sat me down on the sofa and tried to talk about it. Finally, and honestly I do not know what brought this on, she just asked me, "Do you want to see my tits?" Keep in mind; I was in 4th grade or something, maybe Otto remembers. I turned her down. However, not long after that night, she was back and babysitting Otto and I. TS went to the bathroom, and I'd like to blame Otto, saying he dared me to do this...but I probably dared myself. She opens the door to step out; Otto is standing 7 feet in front of her. I jump out from the side, grab the bottom of her shirt, and pull it up with all my might. I remember Otto's jaw dropping, TS yelping and my feet burning a hold through the floor as I made my move for the door. She chased me around the house for an eternity, threatening to spank me. I eventually gave up, thinking a spanking might not be that bad. I do not recall TS babysitting much after that incident, but I will never forget the look on Otto's face as he saw something he had previously only seen in pictures.
Well, I think I successfully mortified my baby sister and probably told my wife a story she did not need/want to know. I'm sure there are a dozen other stories featuring the Fat Alpha Gams (they almost conquered me), the German Sisters, the Baker sisters (ah, the spitting incident) and countless other girls who will always think of me as "that little shit".
What about you? You were probably the good kid, huh?
